She opened her eyes to see him at a short distance from her. Instantly, a cold fear gripped her. She was afraid. Not of this man. Not of what she had done to him. Not of his damaged body that lay lifeless in the dark corner of the house she had called home for the last 11 months. No. It was something else. Something deep enough to unsettle her very being. Something strong enough to weaken her soul to the extent of causing such turmoil in her mind and heart that she could not bear to think about it for even a moment longer. She knew she had killed a man.
And she knew she had done the right thing. She did not fear the consequences of a murder. Yet, she was afraid. Afraid of that unknown fear that gripped her from within and suffocated her in a way that made her feel as if she were drowning. Maybe she was indeed drowning. Was that how it felt to drown? Surely she was unable to find her breath. And her body wasn’t following what her mind was saying. What was her mind saying anyway? That she had murdered the man she once loved. Why was she not crying then? Where werethe tears? How can she feel so numb? Maybe she was dead too. Dead by drowning in fear? Was that possible? Yes, that was it. She was dead. She had been dead for a long time now.
The constant fear of this man had killed her soul long before he could harm her physical being. Fear of those drunken eyes and how they glared down at her. The eyes that once had affection and love floating in them, had gradually given permanent refuge to anger and arrogance – arrogance that turned this caring, affectionate man into a monster. Her body shivered as she looked at the dead eyes that had humiliated her every night, the limp hands that had hit her face with any object they could find around, the broken legs that had not hesitated to kick her in the abdomen on the days she had taken the bottle away from him. How did it matter that her body still had life remaining in it? Her soul was long dead. She had been full of life once. But this man had taken the life from her and replaced it with fear. And when he left, he had taken away this fear along with him, to leave behind emptiness. That was all that she was now. A piece of undefined emptiness…
And she knew she had done the right thing. She did not fear the consequences of a murder. Yet, she was afraid. Afraid of that unknown fear that gripped her from within and suffocated her in a way that made her feel as if she were drowning. Maybe she was indeed drowning. Was that how it felt to drown? Surely she was unable to find her breath. And her body wasn’t following what her mind was saying. What was her mind saying anyway? That she had murdered the man she once loved. Why was she not crying then? Where werethe tears? How can she feel so numb? Maybe she was dead too. Dead by drowning in fear? Was that possible? Yes, that was it. She was dead. She had been dead for a long time now.
The constant fear of this man had killed her soul long before he could harm her physical being. Fear of those drunken eyes and how they glared down at her. The eyes that once had affection and love floating in them, had gradually given permanent refuge to anger and arrogance – arrogance that turned this caring, affectionate man into a monster. Her body shivered as she looked at the dead eyes that had humiliated her every night, the limp hands that had hit her face with any object they could find around, the broken legs that had not hesitated to kick her in the abdomen on the days she had taken the bottle away from him. How did it matter that her body still had life remaining in it? Her soul was long dead. She had been full of life once. But this man had taken the life from her and replaced it with fear. And when he left, he had taken away this fear along with him, to leave behind emptiness. That was all that she was now. A piece of undefined emptiness…
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