She knew that if she spent another minute pondering about it, she would break. And she could not afford to be broken. Not even if every cell of her pained body pleaded her to give up.
She struggled to get up. She failed. She tried again, this time a little more slowly. She tried to move her arm so it could support her broken body. It refused to budge. How was she ever going to live through this? No, I mustn’t give up, she kept telling herself. So she tried again and failed again and tried again and failed again, until her body refused to put up any more with the struggle it had been bearing for a very very long time now. At last she collapsed. Right next to the man she had murdered just a little while ago. Her mind, too burdened with the weight of the vacuum that he had left in her, began to drift. This time, she allowed herself to daze away into the unconscious emptiness that her mind was leading her into.
And so she just stayed. Stayed there for what might have been hours, perhaps even days, she couldn’t say for sure. Time seemed lost on her.
Finally she woke up. Realization dawned upon her. The weight of her action struck her with such force it shook her up and made her jerk up from her dizziness to face her dead husband.
Only now, as she looked up at this dead man’s body, she felt different. Her emptiness was being slowly replaced by something else. She felt something move inside her. Very slowly, but surely this something was creeping inside her and moving to her heart. She let out a loud gasp! And then it was done. The heaviness, the unsettled feeling, the emptiness and the fear – all of it was gone, just like that. The creepy feeling now made its way up her throat and touched her lips. It made her mouth curl up very slightly. Very slowly it went up to her cheeks, and after a very very long time they showed a glimpse of colour. Finally, it reached her eyes. And it seemed to her that for the first time she actually saw. As if awakening from a deep trance, she realized finally that he was not around anymore. That she didn’t have to be afraid anymore. Saw that the endless cycle of hurt and pain had finally ended. Saw that she was free.
And then she felt. No, this was not the feeling of guilt for taking a man’s life. It wasn’t the feeling of death. This was something else. It was the feeling of life. It was the feeling of her being her. It was the feeling of finding herself. It was; her redefining.
She struggled to get up. She failed. She tried again, this time a little more slowly. She tried to move her arm so it could support her broken body. It refused to budge. How was she ever going to live through this? No, I mustn’t give up, she kept telling herself. So she tried again and failed again and tried again and failed again, until her body refused to put up any more with the struggle it had been bearing for a very very long time now. At last she collapsed. Right next to the man she had murdered just a little while ago. Her mind, too burdened with the weight of the vacuum that he had left in her, began to drift. This time, she allowed herself to daze away into the unconscious emptiness that her mind was leading her into.
And so she just stayed. Stayed there for what might have been hours, perhaps even days, she couldn’t say for sure. Time seemed lost on her.
Finally she woke up. Realization dawned upon her. The weight of her action struck her with such force it shook her up and made her jerk up from her dizziness to face her dead husband.
Only now, as she looked up at this dead man’s body, she felt different. Her emptiness was being slowly replaced by something else. She felt something move inside her. Very slowly, but surely this something was creeping inside her and moving to her heart. She let out a loud gasp! And then it was done. The heaviness, the unsettled feeling, the emptiness and the fear – all of it was gone, just like that. The creepy feeling now made its way up her throat and touched her lips. It made her mouth curl up very slightly. Very slowly it went up to her cheeks, and after a very very long time they showed a glimpse of colour. Finally, it reached her eyes. And it seemed to her that for the first time she actually saw. As if awakening from a deep trance, she realized finally that he was not around anymore. That she didn’t have to be afraid anymore. Saw that the endless cycle of hurt and pain had finally ended. Saw that she was free.
And then she felt. No, this was not the feeling of guilt for taking a man’s life. It wasn’t the feeling of death. This was something else. It was the feeling of life. It was the feeling of her being her. It was the feeling of finding herself. It was; her redefining.
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