Re-Defined: 2

9:00 pm. Tuesday. Mumbai.

Two Hours. Only a matter of two more hours. And then…

It is unbelievable, almost fantastic, to think that one’s life can change so drastically, dramatically in a day’s time. And yet, that is how it has to be. Such an irony to think that the person you believed to be your well-wisher is to be the one who stabs you in the back. I guess it is true when they say keep your friends close, enemies closer.

Heck, there will be lots of time for philosophy later. For now, I just need to get to the garage as quickly as possible. I do hope Roy ready with everything as promised. I desperately need to get this deal done in time so I can cross the border immediately. That is the only way I can be sure of being safe.

Safe. I wonder how it might feel. It pisses me to the core to think of the things one has to endure to ensure a good, SAFE life. Unlike most people with normal lives, safety isn’t a given when you have seen a downfall in your life caused by someone you thought was your own. You tend to develop a fear of people. You begin to distrust those around you, even the closest of friends. Suspicion consumes you and everybody feels like an enemy and you are left completely on your own, for life. Imagine this happening to an eight year old. I can never forget those dark days…

To see your father being betrayed by his own brother, to see his hardwork of 17 years being stolen overnight, and your family being brought down from riches to rags in a matter of minutes. To see your mother suffer in pain as she sees your father kill himself, to have poverty as your steadfast companion on hungry nights, to see this hunger drive you to rob and beg and weep, and eventually, when all doors seem shut; to eventually let go of the one thing left with you – your pride. Suffering indignation at the hands of the ones habituated to using and throwing women like disposable tissues is the ultimate humiliation one can suffer in one’s lifetime.  And when that happens, your soul is on its way to a slow death.

Gradually, all emotions in you begin to die until you are turned into a stone yourself. That, my friend, is the tipping point of your life. From that point on, you give up on looking back. You begin to live for yourself and yourself alone. Means do not matter anymore as long as you are getting the end that you desire.

Yes, it is a bit of an irony to have desires without emotions. Human minds are complicated like that, aren’t they? So it sometimes chooses the weirdest alternative to meet its desires. I can’t deny of being any different. I was consumed as crazy by my desire to be rich again and throw it in the face of fate. To reverse the damage it had done to me. Silly of me to believe the damage can be undone. That time shall never come back, I know. But when opportunity glares you in the face, the numb mind trained to distrust and despise can only think of the uglier ends to means. Had it been otherwise, the sane me, maybe today I wouldn’t have been in this car right now driving at full speed to escape the country. But it all happened in such a spur of the moment, there was just no time to be sane!

Oh these flashes keep coming back to me again and again like a movie set on a loop! I know this memory is going to haunt me for a long, long time to come. His bloody face from few hours ago, with the shocked look on his face, stumped at seeing what I had done to him. How unrecognizable against his face from two years ago - that fine shaven face, that smell of fresh cologne, those gleaming eyes looking at something behind my eyes, that smile of his telling me he wanted me and he wanted more of me than what had been presented to him. Yes, he had been my client back then. Yes, he had fallen for me at the first sight. Yes, he said he was willing to leave his wife for me. And yes, despite all my coldness, I let myself go along with it.

Since then there had been no looking back. He got me a modest flat to stay at Versova. He would visit me almost 2-3 times a week. I was okay with this arrangement. It gave me my space, and the exclusivity meant I got paid more for half the effort. Of course, gradually the frequency of his visits went on increasing, and I knew that he had begun to lay his trust in me. I too kept him close to me; it was the best deal I was to ever get (since it is no rocket science to know that in this business we need to make the most while we are on the right side of age). His affection towards me kept steadily increasing. I know he shared with me what he could not share with others. He trusted me completely. Until this morning.

I guess I was still hungover from the drinks the previous night when the noise woke me up. So I thought I had misunderstood it at first. But then I heard it once again, louder and harsher this time. And I knew this was it. His yelling from the living room and the sound of things being thrown astray left no doubt about the extent of his angst. I woke myself up and saw my cell-phone laid on the bed, unlocked, the screen displaying the chain of text messages from Roy from last night. He had read it all, and now he knew of my deal with Roy - the details of our meeting point and payment that I will be receiving in exchange for his, yes HIS diamond necklace.

It began last evening. He came over late, but ecstatic. He had carried with him a bottle of champagne and was clearly here to celebrate. He told me he had struck a huge business deal – the biggest he could have ever dreamt of (I am not quite sure of what his so called business was – I never cared too much about these things as long as my fees kept coming in on time – but I do have an idea that it was not a clean one). To add to it, he said, he had received the advance pay in the evening and that was big money right there. So for celebrating this success, he had got me a gold chain from the money. It was lovely, I won’t deny that. But what he said next was what piqued my interest. Normally he wouldn’t talk to me much about his wife, but today in his excitement it slipped from his mouth that he had got a gift for her as well – a real expensive diamond necklace. Well, a pendant for me and a necklace for her. It got me real curious to see this pretty thing. I thought maybe I could have a look when he would fall asleep. In fact, it was the first time I was going to see a diamond necklace, so it got me so keen that I wanted him to fall asleep as quickly as possible. To do that, I got him drunk real bad. Unfortunately, I myself got quite drunk in the process – my biggest mistake.

As soon as he was down and out (which I knew happened real quickly after he was done fucking me), I got off the bed and went straight to his bag. As I was rummaging through his bag to find the necklace box, my hands found a certain packet. I opened it shamelessly. And boy; was I glad I opened it! It was raw cash! All green notes. I counted through it hurriedly, nervously. I could not believe the figure - a full one lakh fifty thousand. No wonder he was so thrilled. I could not let go of the packet, so I held it by my side while I started looking once more for the necklace. This time I found it and it was sheer beauty! So big! It must be worth lakhs I was sure. I went numb for a moment. Here I was, with a ton of money in my hand – something I had always wanted ever since I had been robbed of my rightful luxuries. This was my one shot that destiny had chosen to provide me. I had to decide right away whether to take it or let it go. Just then it struck me. There was one person who could help me out.

Roy had been a client of mine once, but once he found true love, he had felt compassion towards all the women he had slept with. Since then he tried to help all his women in ways that would legally not have been possible, since obviously, that was what he did after all. I dialled his number immediately and he was, of course, on-board with me. He said he will get back to me in an hour with a detailed plan on how I can get a good deal on the diamonds and then quickly escape from this hell before the sleeping bastard can find out about what hit him. I put away the packet and the diamond in a suitcase under the sofa, packed his bag and made it look untouched, crept into the bed next to my master and waited for Roy to call. I guess that’s when the hangover hit me and I must have fallen asleep.

Once awake, I could see Roy’s missed calls and messages on my phone. He had tried reaching me several times, but maybe when he could not get through, he had left message that he will meet me at his garage tonight, along with other details for the deal of the diamonds. This is what he had read and figured out he had been robbed by none other than his mistress of two years.

I rushed to the living room. He was there throwing things out from inside the shelves under my sofa like a crazy man until he found the money and necklace in the suitcase. As he did this he saw me standing in the passageway and he rushed at me in long strides, grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor. His look was like that of a lion ready to pounce on his prey. He grabbed me by the neck, dragged me to the wall, pulled me up and pushed me hard against the wall and let out a roar unlike I had ever heard. He was all red with rage and his eyes spoke what he was truly capable of. I knew I would never be strong enough for him. But then my hands found a stronghold. It was something hard and metallic and I grabbed onto it for my life. His clench got tighter on my throat and my knees were giving up and in that moment, my hands got a mind of their own and reached out to the back of his head in a full swing motion. Before I could understand what I had done, I could feel his fingers lose the grip around my throat. Slowly he fell to the floor, and I saw the red puddle gather around where he lay.

It happened in the heat of the moment. I was a thief yes, a whore yes, but a murderer – no.  For a full hour I simply sat there staring at his bloody corpse. I think it was afternoon when I was shaken out of blankness by the phone’s buzz. It was Roy.

I told him the full story and he heard it like he was hearing out some business deal. When I was through, he asked me he will take care of it. He asked me to pack my bag and he will call me in an hour’s time. I did as he said, and true to his word, he called me within an hour. He told me he had arranged for my escape to Bangkok. I needed to meet him at the garage at 11 pm sharp, where he will give me the documents I will need for my new life. He had also arranged for the guy for the diamond deal who was going to be there with the cash, and that should take care of my needs for a fairly sufficient time. And so, here I am, on my way to Roy’s garage.

I don’t think I feel guilty about what happened. Shocked; yes. What happened was in the spur of the moment, and definitely beyond anything I had intended. But then, I had learnt it a long time ago to not trust anybody – not even closest of kin – when it comes to money matters. Loyalty aside, the world only worshipped money. So I cannot completely empathize with what happened to him. He should have been more careful – the way he was around me about his wife. He allowed himself to be drawn into being duped, and I grabbed my one shot with both hands. Too bad it ended so badly for him. But I’m not going to let the same happen to me. Soon all this will be over. Once I get through this deal with Roy’s man, I will finally be on my own. A new me, with my past behind me.

I feel, somewhere, all of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am...and that is my blue sapphire.

THE BEGINNING